Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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