Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
