There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
