i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
