I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
