Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
barbara walters just said penis...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
