My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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