I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
