some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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