someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
