i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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