I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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