Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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