Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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