It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
