Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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