My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
