my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
