I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
