Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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