I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
