I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
