"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
