you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
