Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
