you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
