You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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