Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize