I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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