I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
