No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
