toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
