Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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