The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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