Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
