I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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