First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
