I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
