I am spending my child support on dildos
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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