He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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