I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
