So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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