college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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