it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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