I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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