You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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