I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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