Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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