Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
