Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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