i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
