remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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