Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
