I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
