I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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