I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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