sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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