first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
