I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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