kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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